Everyone goes through a pop punk phase at some point or another. It happens to the best of us, trust me. Maybe you had a couple of Pete Wentz posters up on your wall in high school, or perhaps the troubled poetry of Tom Delonge & Mark Hoppus had you in awe. But what did these bands represent to you, what caused your troubled psyche to be soothed by hearing the opening riff to Dear Maria, Count Me In? Let’s find out, shall we?
You were most likely the class clown in high school, which came back to bite you in the ass come a string of unsuccessful business ventures. You highly regret not signing a prenuptial agreement when you divorced your ex-wife, and have no problem with wearing hair gel past the age of 30. Despite all this however, you’re more intelligent than people give you credit for. However, this doesn’t change the fact that you consider three quarter length shorts acceptable formal attire.
The Wonder Years:
Five years ago you had a swoop haircut, but now half your income goes towards beard oil payments. You’re most likely to be diagnosed with diabetes by the age of 27 due to the severe amount of pizza you consume. Your iPhone has the suicide hotline on speed dial. Meanwhile, your mother just wishes you’d move out of her house already.
New Found Glory:
Your personal philosophy can be summed in six words: “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number.” You hit the glass ceiling ages ago, but that doesn’t seem to mind you one bit. Your friends and family often entrust you to babysit their children, and you’re more than happy to oblige. You enjoy passing along your experience and wisdom to the younger generations, as it gives you an enormous sense of wellbeing.
Fall Out Boy:
Trading in those old mesh shorts for a pair of skinny jeans was the best thing that ever happened to you. Networking causes you no concern whatsoever. Your friends liked you a lot more when you used to get wasted and grind on other people at parties, before you decided to clean up your act.
A Day To Remember:
You can bench press 200 pounds, but the ending to Marley & Me still makes you cry. You left home at the age of 18, and have not looked back since, despite various childhood acquaintances asking you to return. You have zero intentions of ever throwing out your old VHS tapes. You have at some point considered selling your organs on the black market.
5 Seconds Of Summer:
You’re the type of guy who just effortlessly cruised through life with seemingly zero problems whatsoever. You were the type of guy who blended in with almost every social circle. Unfortunately, that left you with a serious identity crisis come graduation (not to mention the personality of milquetoast). But hey, look on the bright side, at least you never had any problems getting laid in high school.
You have absolutely zero work ethic whatsoever. You did an ollie off a dumpster one time in high school and consider that your personal achievement. The term “personal space” causes you to scratch your head in bewilderment. At some point, someone has opened a dictionary infront of you and shown you the definition of “finality”. You have never once had a successful relationship.
You used to hang around with the older kids because they seemed amazing to you, but after a while the thrill wore off and you were back on the straight and narrow. You cried whenever you got picked last in a football game. You become highly uncomfortable whenever others question your authenticity. Nobody can figure out what the fuck your accent is.
You’re not okay (you promise). Despite having a rather happy childhood, you immediately began dying your hair black and wearing eyeliner once puberty kicked in. You’ve drunk dialed your ex enough times that she ended up filing a restraining order against you. You’re on a first name basis with the staff at your local sexual health clinic.
All Time Low:
You’re the type of guy to pick up the tab whenever you and your buddies head out drinking. Your girlfriend is strongly suggesting that you should attend an Alcoholic’s Anonymous meeting, but you can’t hear her over the sound of your wallet overflowing with disposable income. Parents give you funny looks whenever you approach their children. You’re basically much a real life Glenn Quagmire.